Now, whether your a gear head or not, there are indefinitely some vehicles that you look at and go, "Well that's god awful and I wouldn't be caught dead knowing anyone who owns one of those." So here it goes, my list of the "Top 10 worst cars you or anyone with a Brain could Possibly Buy", list thinge.
Number 10 - Nissan Pathfinder (1987-1995)
The Early 90's were a proud era of straight lines for every car manufacturer. And no other SUV held firm to the straight edges = tough look = sales, more then Nissan with the Pathfinder.
Now is this a good vehicle? For all intensive purposes, yes. The first generation Pathfinder, pictured above, had a grunty little 2.4L, or 3.0L v6. They were capable as SUV's, and they preformed well, not arguing those facts at all. Why did it make the list then? Simple. Where do you see these Nissan nowadays? Besides the junkyards, usually hanging out, in the center lane, driven by Haitians who your damned sure cheated on the driving exam. And on top of that, if you do happen to spot one of these lonely shoe boxes still roaming the streets, it's almost always a faded Forest Green, with purple window tint that's rolling off in sections. Always. I've given up on the idea Nissan produced the vehicle in any other color. That's what earns it a place on the list.
Number 9 - Jeep Grand Cherokee (2005+ )
There, see, I'm not a hypocrite Jeep/Chrysler fanboy.
In 2005, Jeep and Chrysler decided to show the international car market that they too could build a worthless mid-size SUV that served no real purpose, and by basing it off the Mercedes Benz M Class platform, they did an outstanding job.
Its about as untrue to it's roots as is the "Trail Rated" badge it sports. While it was possible to get a 5.7L Hemi, or better a 6.1L SRT package, what was the point? To see how fast and how far you could get before something electronically went wrong, while being as uncomfortable as possible?
This truck then, in a 2wd version armed with the timid 3.5L v6 that's most common, is nothing more then a rental car you'll pay an extra $10 a day for.
Number 8 - Lexus RX 300
Nothing, absolutely nothing, screams "I WANT TO BE MUNDANE!!" quite like a gold Lexus RX300. This isn't a car for people who want to succeed in life, this is for people who would just rather be "there".
It was designed to resemble a sleezey used car salesman, and was offered with no interesting features whatsoever. It shares it's interior styling with every single other Toyota ever produced, ever. So, if you've got a school play to attend at your kids middle school, or better yet, you're middle management a department store, this vehicle is most certainly for you.
Number 7 - Ford Taurus (1996-1999)
Circles. Circles, Circles, Circles, Circles, Circles, Circles..... Circles. That was the ever-present theme behind the 1996 redesign of an already crappy mid-class sedan.
The Taurus was the answer for Americans who wanted to get from A to B, and preferably wanted 4 seats, and a steering wheel. Optioned out models came with A/C that worked 50% of the time. Everything on the Taurus had to be round, even the stereo resembled a Honey Nut Cherrio. The Taurus had a quirk for not wanting to stay together. Infact, in your lifetime, you have a better chance of hitting the lottery, then coming across a Taurus that the dashboard has stayed together on.
Now in all fairness, the Taurus did receive a slight re-design in 2000, and fixed alot of the styling cues and motor issues, but they did grow into boring cars in general. They are however back for the 2010 model year, and they look fantastic. Even offered with a SHO edition once again, managing over 300hp. Impressive.
Number 6 - Chrysler K Car
The Chrysler K Car was revolutionary. It's the first time, in automotive -
..no wait, ALL of history, that makes it possible to carbon-date when exactly, a major corporation, actually stopped giving a shit about what they made.
The K Car platform went on to spread terrible diseases like the Chrysler LeBaron, the Imperial, Plymouth Reliant, and has been partially to blame for Bird Flu.
Armed with an arsenal of weak and unimpressive engines, some of which were stolen from Mitsubishi, not a single K Car ever went on to win anything ever, except a place on my list.
Number 5 - Buick LeSabre
Get one thing straight. I absolutely like Buick LeSabres, especially the 2002 generation shown above. They're comfortable, reliable, decent on gas mileage and have loads of space. Add that to a 3.8L v6 that has power, and is about as easy to work on as breathing air, and you've got yourself a car.
And the story gets even Better! Some LeSabres were offered with the 3.8L standard engine, WITH an Eton Supercharger on them, factory! Hell yes, sign me up. Oh, wait, don't.
Like I said, I like these cars, but I don't love them. Why? Example, I drove one a few weeks back, just across town for work. Problem is, I never made it back. Why? Because I had never left. Why? Because the car is so effing' ordinary, I actually, psychically passed out from boredom the moment I sat down in the drivers seat.
Good car, just fell too short.
Number 4 - Toyota Camry
Yes, it's made it. Of course it would. Why wouldn't it? Notice, I even found a picture in the traditional Toyota Gold? So, where do we begin?
Do I poke fun at the fact the moment you sit in one you can easily mistake it for a 4Runner, or Tacoma, seeing as how everything looks exactly the same? Nope, already been covered. Do we go after it's blandness? Nah, too easy. Should we take jabs at the "Accelerator malfunction" from earlier this year? Not a chance. Besides, there's more to that then they were telling you.
Can we argue with sales numbers? Nope. Year after year, mindless Americans keep buying these econo-boxes with leather. So why add it to the list? Patrick, how lame is this car in all actuality?
Simple, remember the "Primo" in Grand Theft Auto: San Andres? It was based off a Camry. Nuff' said.
Number 3 - Toyota Prius
Too easy. Right? Wrong! This car proved one thing. You can make a 50/50 hybrid, make it mass production, and make it work.
The unforeseen backlash, was that every Obama supporting, liberal with a Macbook bought one, and they love nothing more then telling their friends about it on Twitter while standing in line at Starbucks waiting to pay $7 for a coffee. Screw that Frape Crapechino. If John Wayne didn't make it over a roaring log fire using a twig and a mug with coffee grounds in it, it's not effing coffee bubba!
So I guess my rant isn't so much about the Prius, as it is the majority of the people that drive them. It really is a fantastic car, but it's seldom used what what it was intended. Toyota designed it for everyday, average driving, going a little over the speed limit (which it is capable of!) like we all do. In doing this, you're gonna average 45-50 mpg. That's terrific, and exactly what it was meant for.
What it wasn't meant for, was to hang out in the right lane, doing 20 under the posted speed, holding myself and everyone else up, while you listen to liberal AM radio trying to achieve 80 mpg. You want change, how about starting a revolution and riding the bus, some of us have shit to do!
Number 2 - Ford F150 (1997-2003)
You almost get the feeling, that in November of 1996, some designer that worked on the Taurus got transferred to Fords' truck department, and helped re-design the F-150 and tried to sneak some last minute circles in.
As a result, this truck came off the assembly line looking like the Ford Ranger pickups' big brother, only with a slight case of retardation. It can't tell if it wants to be a brute, or bubbly. It was offered with a few different engines over the production years, all famous for breaking down at some point or another. A particularly weak spot of these trucks was the front suspension, which at Ford is chalked up as a "Eh, misfortune."
But as always, there are die-hard Ford men. Guys who shop at Home Depot, for sheet-rock, and dry wall, and nails, and saws, and other manly things. They'll stand up for their Ford over anything, right up until you hand them a set of keys to a new Silverado. The most common answer by Ford truck drivers on why they bought their truck, will be "Because I couldn't afford a Chevy."
Today these hand-me down trucks can still be spotted at hardware stores, only the original owner now has that new Silverado, or GMC Serria. So he passed the old Ford down to the illegal Mexicans that work for him.
Number 1 - Chrysler Sebring Convertible
Why? Simple. You can say "No" to everything on this car. Seriously, try it!
Is it fast? No.
Is it comfortable? No.
Is it reliable? No.
Is it easy to work on? No.
Is it safe? No.
Is it attractive? No.
Does it keep value? No.
Does it handle? No.
Does it attract women? No.
There is nothing good about this car whatsoever. So what, the roof comes off? You know what else the roof comes off of? A Lamborghini Murcielago, and that's a hell of alot more exciting then your Chrysler.
With a battery that's located in the front bumper, and a convertible top that uses gears from the dark ages, backed with a Chrysler 2.7L or an even worse 2.5L engine, this car, hands down says "I don't know where I'm going with my life". This car shouldn't have come with an owners manual, it should have come with an apology letter.
So there you have it, my blog is back up and moving, and my next post won't be automotive related. Nor will it be another 8 months.
