10 cars you need to avoid like the Plague

I'm going to ignore the fact this blog has gone untouched for the better part of 8 months, but so be it. I'm ignoring that fact, and so shall you.

Now, whether your a gear head or not, there are indefinitely some vehicles that you look at and go, "Well that's god awful and I wouldn't be caught dead knowing anyone who owns one of those." So here it goes, my list of the "Top 10 worst cars you or anyone with a Brain could Possibly Buy", list thinge.

Number 10 - Nissan Pathfinder (1987-1995)


The Early 90's were a proud era of straight lines for every car manufacturer. And no other SUV held firm to the straight edges = tough look = sales, more then Nissan with the Pathfinder.

Now is this a good vehicle? For all intensive purposes, yes. The first generation Pathfinder, pictured above, had a grunty little 2.4L, or 3.0L v6. They were capable as SUV's, and they preformed well, not arguing those facts at all. Why did it make the list then? Simple. Where do you see these Nissan nowadays? Besides the junkyards, usually hanging out, in the center lane, driven by Haitians who your damned sure cheated on the driving exam. And on top of that, if you do happen to spot one of these lonely shoe boxes still roaming the streets, it's almost always a faded Forest Green, with purple window tint that's rolling off in sections. Always. I've given up on the idea Nissan produced the vehicle in any other color. That's what earns it a place on the list.

Number 9 - Jeep Grand Cherokee (2005+ )


There, see, I'm not a hypocrite Jeep/Chrysler fanboy.

In 2005, Jeep and Chrysler decided to show the international car market that they too could build a worthless mid-size SUV that served no real purpose, and by basing it off the Mercedes Benz M Class platform, they did an outstanding job.

Its about as untrue to it's roots as is the "Trail Rated" badge it sports. While it was possible to get a 5.7L Hemi, or better a 6.1L SRT package, what was the point? To see how fast and how far you could get before something electronically went wrong, while being as uncomfortable as possible?

This truck then, in a 2wd version armed with the timid 3.5L v6 that's most common, is nothing more then a rental car you'll pay an extra $10 a day for.

Number 8 - Lexus RX 300


Nothing, absolutely nothing, screams "I WANT TO BE MUNDANE!!" quite like a gold Lexus RX300. This isn't a car for people who want to succeed in life, this is for people who would just rather be "there".

It was designed to resemble a sleezey used car salesman, and was offered with no interesting features whatsoever. It shares it's interior styling with every single other Toyota ever produced, ever. So, if you've got a school play to attend at your kids middle school, or better yet, you're middle management a department store, this vehicle is most certainly for you.

Number 7 - Ford Taurus (1996-1999)


Circles. Circles, Circles, Circles, Circles, Circles, Circles..... Circles. That was the ever-present theme behind the 1996 redesign of an already crappy mid-class sedan.

The Taurus was the answer for Americans who wanted to get from A to B, and preferably wanted 4 seats, and a steering wheel. Optioned out models came with A/C that worked 50% of the time. Everything on the Taurus had to be round, even the stereo resembled a Honey Nut Cherrio. The Taurus had a quirk for not wanting to stay together. Infact, in your lifetime, you have a better chance of hitting the lottery, then coming across a Taurus that the dashboard has stayed together on.

Now in all fairness, the Taurus did receive a slight re-design in 2000, and fixed alot of the styling cues and motor issues, but they did grow into boring cars in general. They are however back for the 2010 model year, and they look fantastic. Even offered with a SHO edition once again, managing over 300hp. Impressive.

Number 6 - Chrysler K Car


The Chrysler K Car was revolutionary. It's the first time, in automotive -

..no wait, ALL of history, that makes it possible to carbon-date when exactly, a major corporation, actually stopped giving a shit about what they made.

The K Car platform went on to spread terrible diseases like the Chrysler LeBaron, the Imperial, Plymouth Reliant, and has been partially to blame for Bird Flu.

Armed with an arsenal of weak and unimpressive engines, some of which were stolen from Mitsubishi, not a single K Car ever went on to win anything ever, except a place on my list.

Number 5 - Buick LeSabre


Get one thing straight. I absolutely like Buick LeSabres, especially the 2002 generation shown above. They're comfortable, reliable, decent on gas mileage and have loads of space. Add that to a 3.8L v6 that has power, and is about as easy to work on as breathing air, and you've got yourself a car.

And the story gets even Better! Some LeSabres were offered with the 3.8L standard engine, WITH an Eton Supercharger on them, factory! Hell yes, sign me up. Oh, wait, don't.

Like I said, I like these cars, but I don't love them. Why? Example, I drove one a few weeks back, just across town for work. Problem is, I never made it back. Why? Because I had never left. Why? Because the car is so effing' ordinary, I actually, psychically passed out from boredom the moment I sat down in the drivers seat.

Good car, just fell too short.

Number 4 - Toyota Camry


Yes, it's made it. Of course it would. Why wouldn't it? Notice, I even found a picture in the traditional Toyota Gold? So, where do we begin?

Do I poke fun at the fact the moment you sit in one you can easily mistake it for a 4Runner, or Tacoma, seeing as how everything looks exactly the same? Nope, already been covered. Do we go after it's blandness? Nah, too easy. Should we take jabs at the "Accelerator malfunction" from earlier this year? Not a chance. Besides, there's more to that then they were telling you.

Can we argue with sales numbers? Nope. Year after year, mindless Americans keep buying these econo-boxes with leather. So why add it to the list? Patrick, how lame is this car in all actuality?

Simple, remember the "Primo" in Grand Theft Auto: San Andres? It was based off a Camry. Nuff' said.


Number 3 - Toyota Prius


Too easy. Right? Wrong! This car proved one thing. You can make a 50/50 hybrid, make it mass production, and make it work.

The unforeseen backlash, was that every Obama supporting, liberal with a Macbook bought one, and they love nothing more then telling their friends about it on Twitter while standing in line at Starbucks waiting to pay $7 for a coffee. Screw that Frape Crapechino. If John Wayne didn't make it over a roaring log fire using a twig and a mug with coffee grounds in it, it's not effing coffee bubba!

So I guess my rant isn't so much about the Prius, as it is the majority of the people that drive them. It really is a fantastic car, but it's seldom used what what it was intended. Toyota designed it for everyday, average driving, going a little over the speed limit (which it is capable of!) like we all do. In doing this, you're gonna average 45-50 mpg. That's terrific, and exactly what it was meant for.

What it wasn't meant for, was to hang out in the right lane, doing 20 under the posted speed, holding myself and everyone else up, while you listen to liberal AM radio trying to achieve 80 mpg. You want change, how about starting a revolution and riding the bus, some of us have shit to do!


Number 2 - Ford F150 (1997-2003)


You almost get the feeling, that in November of 1996, some designer that worked on the Taurus got transferred to Fords' truck department, and helped re-design the F-150 and tried to sneak some last minute circles in.

As a result, this truck came off the assembly line looking like the Ford Ranger pickups' big brother, only with a slight case of retardation. It can't tell if it wants to be a brute, or bubbly. It was offered with a few different engines over the production years, all famous for breaking down at some point or another. A particularly weak spot of these trucks was the front suspension, which at Ford is chalked up as a "Eh, misfortune."

But as always, there are die-hard Ford men. Guys who shop at Home Depot, for sheet-rock, and dry wall, and nails, and saws, and other manly things. They'll stand up for their Ford over anything, right up until you hand them a set of keys to a new Silverado. The most common answer by Ford truck drivers on why they bought their truck, will be "Because I couldn't afford a Chevy."

Today these hand-me down trucks can still be spotted at hardware stores, only the original owner now has that new Silverado, or GMC Serria. So he passed the old Ford down to the illegal Mexicans that work for him.


Number 1 - Chrysler Sebring Convertible


Why? Simple. You can say "No" to everything on this car. Seriously, try it!

Is it fast? No.
Is it comfortable? No.
Is it reliable? No.
Is it easy to work on? No.
Is it safe? No.
Is it attractive? No.
Does it keep value? No.
Does it handle? No.
Does it attract women? No.

There is nothing good about this car whatsoever. So what, the roof comes off? You know what else the roof comes off of? A Lamborghini Murcielago, and that's a hell of alot more exciting then your Chrysler.

With a battery that's located in the front bumper, and a convertible top that uses gears from the dark ages, backed with a Chrysler 2.7L or an even worse 2.5L engine, this car, hands down says "I don't know where I'm going with my life". This car shouldn't have come with an owners manual, it should have come with an apology letter.

So there you have it, my blog is back up and moving, and my next post won't be automotive related. Nor will it be another 8 months.

Facism and Art

It might come across right, chances are it's not going to. We all go through life compromising for the greater good. But when it comes to whatever your art is, you are, by all means, allowed to be a complete fascist. There is no "Oh, what about me, don't think/do/say that." No, I don't care about you. There is no you. I'm in charge of this, you do you're own work if you so choose. There should be no compromise in art.

Just had to get that off my chest.

Swallow these Pills!

We have "Chantix" to help you stop smoking, "Celebrex" to help you move your oldass bones. We've got "Lexapro" if you hate your life, or "Cialas" if your dick hates you. Question - Were the Romans concerned about cholesterol? Did Ben Franklin and Albert Einstein have to "Talk to their doctors about taking Viagra?" My guess, probably not. Why? Because life was just plain old simple. Your cock didn't work anymore, guess it just wasn't meant to re-produce anymore. We've had so many new mental and physical ailments in the last 25 years, and oddly enough, a freaking pill to accommodate each and every goddamn one of them.

"Do we have a pill to cure AIDS, or Cancer? No! We've got a pill that'll make you harder then Chinese algebra!" - Robbin Williams

A few hundred years ago, depression didn't exist. "King Aurthur, do we set upon our epic quest today my lord!?!" - "No Sir Lancelot, I'm just not feeling it today."

NO! Depression is something we invented, then we backed it by "studies" and "statistics", we pussified ourselves. Seventy years ago if you weren't feeling happy, you know what you did? You got the hell out of your house and did something that made you happy. "Oh, but you don't know what it's like, to have to deal with this inner pain everyday." Blow me. If you honestly believe that then I have some prime spot high rise real estate in Haiti I want you to invest in.

We loath in our self pity. We think we're all unique, and suffer and only this pill, this magical pill that our Doctor has provided us can fix it. After all, he loves and cares for us, he doesn't do it because of our insurance company that pays these insane rates, nor the drug companies that offer crazy incentives. God no, couldn't be that! Listen, you're upset, I understand. But here's an idea, just throwing it out in the dark, its called having the blues. We all do. Life is shit, get to know this. If you're still in your mid to late 20s and suffer from depression, you're horribly wrong. You're having a tough time growing up and facing the real world, and that fact that it is an unpleasant, cruel, and rude place, where nobody gives a damn about you. We all feel uncomfortable, "out of whack & out of touch." Quit crying, grow up, come out of your cave and make something of yourself.

The Dinosaurs lived 65 MILLION years ago. The average human life span is 80 years. Are you gonna waste what little time you have here being self absorbed, or are you going to go make something of yourself. Anything is possible, the only X factor is you.

Which brings us to males and their penises'. (Odd segway into that I'm aware, but just go with it). Guys, I know too many of us (mostly the dumber ones of our species) think with the wrong head. It's because of pricks like you (pun intended), that everything in life has basically come down to a cock measuring contest, all the while lowering the international male IQ. You're resolve? Make a chemical, intended for heart use, accidentally creating side effect that generates is a raging hard on, realize what you've created, re-label the whole thing and bam!, new market created. I swear, if I locked myself in a room for a month, trying to come up with the funniest thing mankind has ever heard, I couldn't lay a finger on Viagra.

There is no reason an 85 year old retiree should be rocking a flag at full mast. Several reasons = one, nobody wants to see that, not even the pile of bones in the other room enjoying "The Price is Right" marathon that you intended on giving drill instruction to. Two, the health risk. After a certain time, guess what guys? You're member does have a shelf life, that's the way mother nature intended it. Retire it, take up wittling, attend a gardening seminar, wax your Lincoln Town Car, not your staff. Some things were just meant to be.

In short, major medical corporations make billions, absolutely billions off of us each year. How? With terrific advertising and government help. Why? Because we have been duked into being hypochondriacs. Everything we have and every way we act is incorrect, and must be adjusted to be normal. You know what, forget normal. What happened to individuality? You don't need pills to live from flawed and fake ailments. You need friends, family, determination, and the courage to say "Screw it, I'm here now and I'm gonna make the damnedest out of it."

But then again, what the hell do I know.

Euphemisms, Act I

Here in delightful Lee County, our aspiring, always on task School board decided that "Special Ed" wasn't the politically correct term to describe the mentally slower children that attend public schools in their district. Now before you attempt to do as I did and clean your ears out with a Dremel tool, allow me to explain -

They feel this is such a leap in the right direction, that they have now deemed it punishable, by a Saturday suspension, if you refer to them as "Special Ed."

I know, Jumping Jesus and Crispy Cream Christ!

When I attended High School (I say attended, I pretty much went there to catch up on sleep, set plans for the next party and get the daily gossip), they WERE special ed. Break the goddamn word down; Special (Adj) "Readily distinguishable from others of the same category", okay cool. Now Ed, short for Education. Even us who slept through school knew that was precisely the thing we were missing out on, so I'm fairly confident everyone is clear on what the "Ed" was short for.

So that leaves us with Special Ed simply meaning an education that is different from the usual. Something more focused, more one on one, exactly the type of attention they need. Great right? Wrong! Apparently, the added to the curriculum and started jutting down literature notes from a Jesse Jackson novel, and learned to throw an absolute shit fit over anything anyone says ever. So the school board, always the thinkers, swung into action!

They are now referred to as, and I cannot make this up; "Exceptional Students". Exceptional students? Bullshit asshole, the Exceptional Students, were the ones that made Honor Roll! That is why they were exceptional, they exceeded the requirements, and usually were the ones you bribe with a party invite in exchange for cliff notes on the last 5 chapters about Sacajawea, because you couldn't have given less of a rats ass.

This fear that we have formed, that we must all walk on eggshells, as not to offend anybody, its pathetic. We are so scared to say the wrong thing, to the point we now tolerate intolerance. It's absolutely absurd.

We all know the original Bill of Rights, well those over the I.Q. of your average MTV viewer, and we know that these supposed god given Rights are here to protect us. Well the beautiful thing about this society, is that in that Bill, there is an additional Right, written in-between the lines.

You have the god given Right to be offended in this country, offended by Anything! The word Special Ed, the Howard Stern show, hell even my pathetic blog. And the best part is, there ain't a goddamn thing you can do about it. So whats the mature thing to do? Well, if it's this blog, click the little red X, conveniently located in the top right hand corner. If its Howard Stern, change the channel. And if the word "Special Ed" really offends you, maybe it is time to come to terms with your newly found right, and that opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one, and they all stink. There are much larger things in life to worry about then name calling.

Digital House Party

Whoopdee freakin' doo. Here I am, exposed, on the world wide web, for all to see. A blog, really? That's so, open of me isn't it? I mean, we all live such secure lives what with Facebook status's being updated every five goddamn minutes and tagging ourselves in those crazy pictures from that party two weeks ago.

Actually I'm kidding, this is my first real entry, and I'm honestly not quite sure which direction to go with it. I plan to use this little soap box of mine to broadcast my views, rants, and if I'm feeling all warm hearted, give a little advice.

Those who are close with me will be the first ones to tell you, I'm a simple guy to please, but I'm very opinionated. I've suffered through a lot in the last two years, job loss, the burring of my fiancee, facing life's realizations. This, in my opinion, has led to my ever sunny disposition and view on the world. It's not that I don't give a damn, well, that's probably part of it, but more-less, there are much bigger things in life to worry about. Situations will pass, I promise you.

So with that, I present to you, ME! I've always said, if you can't laugh about something in life, then it wasn't worth your time. Doesn't matter if its big, small, sorrow or joy, if you cannot look at a situation and squeeze even one little chuckle out of it, then you're really not living a fun life in my eyes. So that's it, I'm here to rant, laugh, explain, question & help. Thanks for taking part.